Rob stared at the screen, exhausted and giddy with what he saw: the Duolingo owl was congratulating him for having completed the entire Latin course. He was finally ready.
He ran to his shelf and pulled off the book of incantations that he'd bought on eBay. I've been waiting for this,
he said as he gripped the book.
He flipped through the pages made of skin until he found The One. He smiled at the instructions and began speaking the Latin incantations. The lights flickered. The computer screen glitched. A smell of copper filled the room as it became almost unbearably hot.
And then it happened. A shadowy figure appeared before him.
Oh shit. It worked,
he exclaimed.
The demon responded, You're surprised, Rob?
How did you know...
The demon cut him off, yeah we've upgraded our system. Summoning is way easier now that we have universal tracking. This stuff used to be managed based on region and that was such a pain.
Rob ignored the comment. He issued his first command,Demon, I have the name of a person I'd like for you to kill…
Whoooa hold on there buddy, not so fast,
responded the dark entity.
Rob spoke with a puzzled voice, But I summoned you. You are to do my bidding!
Oh, hey, yeah. You summoned me. But that doesn't mean we get started right away. We gotta make sure your soul is properly bound and can't be rebound to someone else by accident. Soul-binding fraud was a serious thing back in the day. I need you to set up a password.
Rob stared blankly. Huh?
Yeah man, a password. So look at the prompt on your screen and write in a password.
To Rob's shock, his browser window was closed. In fact, all his windows were closed. Except one, displaying text in a Papyrus font with red letters. It read, Please create a password.
Rob feverishly typed, deathbook and pressed submit.
The demon spoke from behind him, Your password has to have one uppercase letter and one number.
Rob saw a clear password button manifest. He clicked it, and typed again, Deathbo0k.
And also a special character,
remarked the dark spirit behind him.
Rob again cleared the field and typed, Deathbo0k!.
It volunteered, oh, the first letter can't be uppercase. And no sentence punctuation.
Rob grunted, what the hell,
as he typed dEathbo0k^.
The demon sighed as it admonished him, hey man you can't also just make it the name of the thing. Come on now. Anyone could guess that.
He would not be swayed this easily. He knew what was at stake. His mechanical keyboard echoed throughout the house as he typed, b0okOfDea^th and mashed the return key.
In a monotone voice the spirit spoke again, yeah that's not long enough.
Rob screamed. But an hour later he finally was able to appease the fallen angel's demands by writing pl3áse-kill_IV_(@ny_one)*i-fasdbnm<>/\ and turned to face the spirit that he now commanded.
There! Happy now?
The demon puffed on its e-cigarrette and calmly said, Cool. Can you write that one more time to confirm?
Rob's eyes grew big as he turned and faced the screen again, only to see another field with a button below that read, confirm your password.
God. Damnit,
was Rob's only utterance.
Yeah we don't know why He insisted on Papyrus,
remarked the spirit.
Two sleepless days later, Rob had done it. His password was complete.
He turned from his coffee-cup littered desk and proclaimed, now will you do my bidding,
at a wholly unperturbed demon.
Oh yeah sure. Just enter the name of the person you want to kill on the screen.
Rob again turned to face his computer and saw a new window. The prompt read, Enter the (user)name of the person (Case sensitive).
He typed the name and smashed the return key in triumph.
There, let's do this!
Are you sure,
asked the entity.
YES,
Rob responded in frustration.
Then click, I'm Sure there at the bottom.
He clicked.
Really sure,
emphasized the voice from behind.
Arrrgh. YES,
exclaimed Rob as he again clicked a Papyrus-styled button.
Ok did you read our terms and conditions?
Light faded from Rob's eyes as his screen filled with text written in a tiny font. The lines covered the full width and height of his screen. He saw a near imperceptible scroll bar at the far right.
Rob eyed the scroll bar and dragged it to the bottom of the screen. He laughed maniacally for the full day as he scrolled to the bottom. When he finally reached the end he shouted, DONE,
as he again turned to the demon.
Dude, come on. I know you didn't actually read that. You gotta actually read the terms and conditions.
The light left Rob's eyes as he turned back to the screen and saw that his scroll bar was back at the top of the screen.
He wept.
It was after twenty-eight days of scrolling line after line of red Papyrus text that Rob reached the end. He was exhausted.
Done. Allright. Any more gotchas I need to know before I click Yes, I read all of the terms and conditions,
Rob asked through a hoarse voice.
Gotchas? Naw. We just like to be thorough. By the way: no one said you had to read it out loud.
God. Damnit,
Rob uttered again.
Naw. That one was Satan. He's a huge fan of Cicero. Wanted to put all his books in the Terms and Conditions1. Confused the hell out of our designers though2,
explained the dark specter.
Rob stared blankly. He didn't get it.
Oh hey, did you click submit?
Rob swiveled to face his monitor. A green button reading, submit waited for him. He nervously clicked.
A grid of pictures displayed.
Ahh, well fiddlesticks,
said the demon.
What, the…
Rob began to ask.
After too long a period of inactivity we have to verify that you're still a human,
the malevolent incarnation explained.
But I've been here,
pleaded the human, I only went to work one day! I used all of my PTO. To scroll. And read. In Latin. Out loud. I've barely left!
. Rob waved to the stack of 2-liter Sierra Mist bottles containing a pungent dark yellow liquid.
Just click on the pictures of Christians and then click submit,
the demon suggested. It then took another drag off of its e-cigarrette.
Rob looked at the pictures. They included Hitler, King Charles III, several old white men crouched at desks, a man swinging a baseball with Bibles taped to it, Donald Trump, a mushroom, and a dolphin.
Rob selected the smiling white men and clicked submit.
Yeah sorry those were wrong. Want to try again?
A new array of pictures displayed. Several paintings of white men, a man with curly dark hair in a black suit who looked like he'd come from a finance meeting, an orca, and a redwood tree.
He clicked the paintings
Yeah nope.
A new set of pictures displayed. More paintings. Ronald Reagan. Lindsey Graham. A cactus. A dog pooping on a sidewalk.
That ain't it.
More pictures: Westboro Baptist church protestors, a few historical paintings, an aloe plant, and a frog. Rob clicked the paintings with crosses.
Man you are not winning at this,
remarked the demon.
Another collection of images appeared. An old, almost balding white man in a black suit, sitting at a desk. A different dolphin. Vladimir Putin. An otter. And of course a few paintings of historic white men.
Rob screamed, how the hell am I supposed to know?
Another puff of the e-cigarrete and a shrug. Silence.
An African grey parrot, a dead squirrel, a woman holding a bullhorn, and a few white men at various pulpits. Rob chose the squirrel and the woman.
The demon grimaced and sucked through its teeth. Yeah that's gonna skew our training data3.
A gorilla reading a book, a dolphin, a jellyfish, more paintings of white men in religious clothing.
Rob moaned at the discovery that it was not the gorilla and the jellyfish.
What. The. Hell.
he whined.
The demon pointed the e-cig at the screen and chuckled, that's what most of them said.